Lewis Carroll

PHANTASMAGORIA AND OTHER POEMS
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CANTO I - The Trystyng

 One winter night, at half-past nine,
 Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy,
 I had come home, too late to dine,
 And supper, with cigars and wine,
 Was waiting in the study.
 
 There was a strangeness in the room,
 And Something white and wavy
 Was standing near me in the gloom -
 I took it for the carpet-broom
 Left by that careless slavey.
 
 But presently the Thing began
 To shiver and to sneeze:
 On which I said “Come, come, my man!
 That’s a most inconsiderate plan.
 Less noise there, if you please!”
 
 “I’ve caught a cold,” the Thing replies,
 “Out there upon the landing.”
 I turned to look in some surprise,
 And there, before my very eyes,
 A little Ghost was standing!
 
 He trembled when he caught my eye,
 And got behind a chair.
 “How came you here,” I said, “and why?
 I never saw a thing so shy.
 Come out!  Don’t shiver there!”
 
 He said “I’d gladly tell you how,
 And also tell you why;
 But” (here he gave a little bow)
 “You’re in so bad a temper now,
 You’d think it all a lie.
 
 “And as to being in a fright,
 Allow me to remark
 That Ghosts have just as good a right
 In every way, to fear the light,
 As Men to fear the dark.”
 
 “No plea,” said I, “can well excuse
 Such cowardice in you:
 For Ghosts can visit when they choose,
 Whereas we Humans ca’n’t refuse
 To grant the interview.”
 
 He said “A flutter of alarm
 Is not unnatural, is it?
 I really feared you meant some harm:
 But, now I see that you are calm,
 Let me explain my visit.
 
 “Houses are classed, I beg to state,
 According to the number
 Of Ghosts that they accommodate:
 (The Tenant merely counts as weight,
 With Coals and other lumber).
 
 “This is a ‘one-ghost’ house, and you
 When you arrived last summer,
 May have remarked a Spectre who
 Was doing all that Ghosts can do
 To welcome the new-comer.
 
 “In Villas this is always done -
 However cheaply rented:
 For, though of course there’s less of fun
 When there is only room for one,
 Ghosts have to be contented.
 
 “That Spectre left you on the Third -
 Since then you’ve not been haunted:
 For, as he never sent us word,
 ’Twas quite by accident we heard
 That any one was wanted.
 
 “A Spectre has first choice, by right,
 In filling up a vacancy;
 Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite -
 If all these fail them, they invite
 The nicest Ghoul that they can see.
 
 “The Spectres said the place was low,
 And that you kept bad wine:
 So, as a Phantom had to go,
 And I was first, of course, you know,
 I couldn’t well decline.”
 
 “No doubt,” said I, “they settled who
 Was fittest to be sent
 Yet still to choose a brat like you,
 To haunt a man of forty-two,
 Was no great compliment!”
 
 “I’m not so young, Sir,” he replied,
 “As you might think.  The fact is,
 In caverns by the water-side,
 And other places that I’ve tried,
 I’ve had a lot of practice:
 
 “But I have never taken yet
 A strict domestic part,
 And in my flurry I forget
 The Five Good Rules of Etiquette
 We have to know by heart.”
 
 My sympathies were warming fast
 Towards the little fellow:
 He was so utterly aghast
 At having found a Man at last,
 And looked so scared and yellow.
 
 “At least,” I said, “I’m glad to find
 A Ghost is not a dumb thing!
 But pray sit down: you’ll feel inclined
 (If, like myself, you have not dined)
 To take a snack of something:
 
 “Though, certainly, you don’t appear
 A thing to offer food to!
 And then I shall be glad to hear -
 If you will say them loud and clear -
 The Rules that you allude to.”
 
 “Thanks!  You shall hear them by and by.
 This is a piece of luck!”
 “What may I offer you?” said I.
 “Well, since you are so kind, I’ll try
 A little bit of duck.
 
 “One slice!  And may I ask you for
 Another drop of gravy?”
 I sat and looked at him in awe,
 For certainly I never saw
 A thing so white and wavy.
 
 And still he seemed to grow more white,
 More vapoury, and wavier -
 Seen in the dim and flickering light,
 As he proceeded to recite
 His “Maxims of Behaviour.”