Lewis Carroll

PHANTASMAGORIA AND OTHER POEMS
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CANTO III - Scarmoges

 “And did you really walk,” said I,
 “On such a wretched night?
 I always fancied Ghosts could fly -
 If not exactly in the sky,
 Yet at a fairish height.”
 
 “It’s very well,” said he, “for Kings
 To soar above the earth:
 But Phantoms often find that wings -
 Like many other pleasant things -
 Cost more than they are worth.
 
 “Spectres of course are rich, and so
 Can buy them from the Elves:
 But we prefer to keep below -
 They’re stupid company, you know,
 For any but themselves:
 
 “For, though they claim to be exempt
 From pride, they treat a Phantom
 As something quite beneath contempt -
 Just as no Turkey ever dreamt
 Of noticing a Bantam.”
 
 “They seem too proud,” said I, “to go
 To houses such as mine.
 Pray, how did they contrive to know
 So quickly that ‘the place was low,’
 And that I ‘kept bad wine’?”
 
 “Inspector Kobold came to you - ”
 The little Ghost began.
 Here I broke in - “Inspector who?
 Inspecting Ghosts is something new!
 Explain yourself, my man!”
 
 “His name is Kobold,” said my guest:
 “One of the Spectre order:
 You’ll very often see him dressed
 In a yellow gown, a crimson vest,
 And a night-cap with a border.
 
 “He tried the Brocken business first,
 But caught a sort of chill ;
 So came to England to be nursed,
 And here it took the form of thirst,
 Which he complains of still.
 
 “Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound,
 Warms his old bones like nectar:
 And as the inns, where it is found,
 Are his especial hunting-ground,
 We call him the Inn-Spectre.”
 
 I bore it - bore it like a man -
 This agonizing witticism!
 And nothing could be sweeter than
 My temper, till the Ghost began
 Some most provoking criticism.
 
 “Cooks need not be indulged in waste;
 Yet still you’d better teach them
 Dishes should have some sort of taste.
 Pray, why are all the cruets placed
 Where nobody can reach them?
 
 “That man of yours will never earn
 His living as a waiter!
 Is that queer thing supposed to burn?
 (It’s far too dismal a concern
 To call a Moderator).
 
 “The duck was tender, but the peas
 Were very much too old:
 And just remember, if you please,
 The next time you have toasted (...)
(......)